In 2021, I was successfully DARVO’d* by my abuser in the court system. The court ruled me a “Harasser” and I received a two-year order to stay away from my abuser and his family; something I was already doing. An anti-harassment order went on my record and I was then seen as a perpetrator of abuse. The court didn’t acknowledge how I had not spoken to them, how I hadn’t called them, how I hadn’t stalked or cyberstalked them. The court didn’t acknowledge how it had been a long 5 years since I last accidentally ran into them. The court however did acknowledge, how the last time I did see my abuser, I did not run and hide. My “crime” was how I stood my ground and peacefully existed. I existed as I spoke the truth of being a victim of abuse and I spoke of accountability. The court decided that the one nonthreatening correspondence I did send to them in 6 years was harassment. 

The court did talk about my free speech, and I was told even nazis have the right to speak. The court told me there are consequences for speaking, even though my words did not contain any hate or violence. My advocacy and my written words where I talked about my personal experience and hardships, while I pursued my survival journey; have been at the center of my abuser’s false claims of harassment. 

As victims of sexual assault, we know too well how our families, friends, the legal system, the media, and our society continually fails to support us, and further, we see how our abusers are not held accountable. As victims, we are told we are to blame, and we see that abusers are protected. 

As the two-year anniversary approached from when I was DARVO’d by my abuser, and given a consequence for speaking of accountability; as a rebellion, born from inspiration and defiance, I made a T-shirt and a banner with my quote:

“I Hold my Abuser Accountable from Wherever I AM”

Soon after I posted photos on my social media of myself wearing my T-shirt and holding my banner, I was taken back to court. My abusers attempted to distort my concepts regarding not having to wait for abusers to grace victims with accountability. My statement; “I Hold my abuser accountable from  Wherever I AM”  requires nothing from abusers, yet they felt " threatened" by my concept of holding them accountable without the support of family, friends, the legal system, the media, or our society. I was declaring while I am one single person, I can hold them accountable and they didn’t like it. 

My abuser’s lawyer then proceeded to DARVO* me further. Not only was I now a “harasser”, but I was also now being accused of not being accountable for my actions because I am “not sorry enough” to my abuser.  In classic DARVO fashion I the victim have now been portrayed as the harasser who is not being accountable.       

As I have persevered with my journey, I have come to realize, I am worthy of accountability, regardless if my abuser can acquiesce, nor do I need to wait for a society that supports predators and abusers to hold my abuser accountable. I’m satisfied knowing I have the power within myself to set my standards and show up for myself. I can obtain justice within my own healing and self-acceptance with self-love and self-worth. I have learned that victims and survivors are the powerful ones. I refuse to participate in the rules made by a predatory system that is built to oppress and victimize me. I hold space for accountability, which isn’t dependent on an abuser’s actions or the legal system’s permission. 

Holding space for accountability is about honoring survivors and breaking the cycle of abuse. This concept is beyond abusers and is about creating a movement of empowering survivors to know their self-worth; We Set the Standard and deserve accountability. We don’t have to settle for abusers and the systems that support them. We do not need permission to hold our abusers accountable from wherever we are. 

Definition of DARVO: 

DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior.[1] Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.[2][3][4]

As the acronym suggests, the common steps involved are:

1. The abuser denies the abuse ever took place

2. When confronted with evidence, the abuser then attacks the person that was abused (and/or the person's family and/or friends) for attempting to hold the abuser accountable for their actions, and finally

3. The abuser claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender.[2][4] It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.[3]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO