Dear Compassion,

Dear Compassion, My heart is tight this morning. I've tried crying the tension out of my body, but it hasn’t helped. Right now, I feel drenched in confusion from this lifetime’s contention and hurt. My lungs, my poor lungs just want to breathe in and out and take care of me. Nourish my body with oxygen. I try to remember what my therapists have taught me. Breathe through my nose, fill my lungs with fresh air, take the air to my belly, and expand. Release. Exhale, let the breath out slowly along with tension and stress. Right now, my nervous system won’t let me. Every breath I take feels sick with fear and judgment, strangling my poor lungs with every breath I try to fill my belly with. Compassion, I need you. Please let me wrap you around me and will you hug me tight? Please comfort me. Allow me to absorb you into my flesh and bones, deep inside my heart and soul. Give me permission, tell me it’s okay for me to not know how to feel as I rock back and forth between realities of love and anger. I feel so vulnerable right now and I am afraid of my own vulnerability. I judge myself for having these feelings. My heart is tired of the depths of feelings that tag along with trauma and healing. I am not made of stone. My skin is not thick. My heart lives on my sleeve. My mind knows healing is not linear. I don’t want to judge myself when I take a step forward and then tumble back three steps behind, and am left with scraped knees because I took steps, I wasn’t ready for. I don’t want to be confused when I go to bed with love but wake up in the morning angry. I know I am not crazy. I have trouble getting my heart and my mind on the same path at the exact same time. My heart and mind take turns with who will fall behind, leaving one another to lead on their own. It's so confusing and frustrating. I hate the uncertainty of what my trauma will make me feel next. The pressure of the outside speaks to me... I must be a perfect victim. I must be perfect in how I heal what my abuser broke inside or I will be condemned, and labeled as hard, crazy, and angry. Compassion, you are consciousness from my highest self and you are the embodiment of love. Compassion, you are empathy, sympathy, and kindness. I look to you to understand me, even if I can't understand myself. Please give me grace and take away my own self-judgment. I can be a safe house, providing love and understanding to the more broken parts of myself, can't I? Allow myself to feel your warmth take hold of my heart. You will find your way into my nervous system and take hold with love. My lungs will expand with ease as I breathe in your forgiveness.

Compassion, will you join me when I take my steps forward, and be there when I tumble 3 steps back, will you cushion my fall? If I get lost in my journey of emotions, If I become consumed with anger and grief, will you please wrap yourself around me and pull me back to you. I know you are with me, with love and understanding and I will learn from you, self-love.

Sincerely,

All that we are, Wiśa Wiśa Trudell